How do you give your heart to something that isn’t even real? Loving someone, then finding out none of it was real. None of it, as you knew in your heart, ever existed. Like you were only having a dream. That’s what it was… my dream, obscured by violence and abuse.
I didn’t love the way he treated me. In fact, I hated it.
I was anxious and lonely and sad. But I learned that my heart could feel love. I learned that I was capable of feeling and giving. And I learned what I didn’t want.
I didn’t want his behavior, his angry words, his disrespect, his cheating. I didn’t want his abuse, his manipulation, his criticism.
The hard part is looking back at what I thought were good times and accepting that they weren’t. Those “good times” were surrounded by lies and abuse.
He was supposed to protect me and care for me, keep me safe, and be there for me, always. Instead, he was my biggest betrayer, using me, abusing me, and lying to me over and over again… all the while telling me how much he loved me.
I’m not writing this to sound like a victim… There is no “poor me.”
The first step in regaining your life is openly admitting to yourself what he did to you, and who he really is.
This is important to help you let go. Not of him, because you now know you are better off without him, but to help you let go of your dream that you had with him.
Once you let go of your old dream with him, you can move on to find your reality with someone who really loves you, who can’t be anything other than honest. Someone who desires your happiness and wants to share that happiness with you for no other reason than that he loves you from the bottom of his heart. No games, no ulterior motives, no manipulation, no power control. Rather, a relationship based on love and mutual respect.
A healthy relationship does not provoke anxiety. And while all relationships take work, a healthy relationship is not a battle.
It’s easy because despite differences or disagreements you always have the other’s best interest in mind. One person does not have their own separate agenda, rather you have the same agenda… together. One person is not left feeling emotionally exhausted, rather your life is more fully enriched by the other.
